ya dads aren't the best wingmen
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
