I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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