Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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