my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
