Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
