It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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