finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
