So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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