his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
