All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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