Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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