just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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