I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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