M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
