Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
