So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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