Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
