the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
