Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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