You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
