Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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