I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
