I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
