told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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