I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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