She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
