this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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