Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
