I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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