i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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