1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
