if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
