did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
