She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
