I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
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