Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
