WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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