So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
