That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
