there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Even my vagina gasped.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Randomize
