Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
