I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
