Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
