My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
