Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
