the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
