Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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