Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
