At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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