Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
